Post Natal Depression: The struggle is Real.

So yeah its been a while. Turns out having a second and then third child does hard work make.

I never really had issues managing post natal depression (PND) with my first or second child, I mean I did have baby blues but never anything out of control, and to be honest this time round with baby number three it could be worse.

Until today when I sat down and decided I wanted to start writing my posts again, start reaching out to the big wide web to try and help the mums who only seem to find posts about how wonderful mum life is; that I really though it through... Turns out my PND manifested itself as crippling mum guilt, frustration with myself and my older children, and next level flustered-ness.

Have you ever put the baby down - knowing full well that Dad is capable of looking after the kids just so you can shower, and randomly burst into tears? Irrational tears. Tears that you can't explain and then they just keep falling because you. can't explain why you aren't happy. Because I have and still regularly do, I am tough as nails and for some reason all I can do is cry. Safe to say I now shower with the baby so that I don't feel "bad" for showering.

I have to admit I have a irrational contempt for talking about feelings, or admitting flaws or failures - so I am really struggling to even write this. I guess this blog is therapy in itself for me. I mean people don't actually read these posts do they? So why not use it as a venting station. Today I lost my temper at myself just because I forgot to wash a chopping board after cooking dinner - I was fuming at myself and storming around the house as if someone had come in and stolen from me. Ridiculous right? Its just a chopping board right? Wrong! Its the fact that I am not innately perfect all the time - and as such my husband will think I do nothing all day (he absolutely doesn't think that but you know PND makes this whole functioning adult realll fun), it. sounds stupid but I finding more and more that this is "normal".

Manic highs and manic lows, that's what it is like having PND for me. I will go weeks happy, organised, functioning and the picture perfect mother on the outside, the house will even be clean tidy. Then the next minute; the house is in shambles, the kids haven't showered in 2 days, Kyran has no clean uniforms for school and I am a blubbering mess because "my body is ruined and I saw it in the mirror - my day is ruined". Totally fine right? My lows last weeks, and I will and do regularly start the morning body shaming myself, crying because I can't breastfeed and therefore have failed as a mother (this is a whole other blog post) and then (heaven help us) if I forget an event at the school for the older kids, or I miss a day at the gym. Disaster has struck and world is going to end.

Jeez as if child birth and adjusting to motherhood isn't enough, evolution decided that PND was absolutely a necessity to woman kind. Add to the top as a lovely cherry on the cake, we women refuse to admit or talk about PND or share it with other mums... as if suffering with PND is something to hide or be ashamed of, like struggling is something that is only unique to ourselves and no one else and that every other mother is going to think we suck or have failed or will fail, or the kids are at risk because mum has PND.

If this blog post does nothing else let it be the wake up call you need, you are not alone, you are not a failure, and you are doing amazing.

Time to go and be a parent - motherhood is calling and telling me its time to get the kids to bed.