Losing Friends: The truth about friendships after children.
It is no secret that once you have a child, people slowly start walking out of your life. You are no longer wild and free and your priorities go from "how fast can I get drunk" or (in my case) "how many times can I fall off a horse before I break something" to sleep deprivation and incoherence. You trade parties and wild nights on the town for nappies and vomit, a worthy trade when you think about it, a small bundle of love and joy that makes you feel so many emotions all at once. However, our single and available to mingle friends don't see what you see. Instead most of the time, they behave like you have somehow become untouchable, as if having a child were the equivalent to the bubonic plague.
My experience was no different, for both pregnancies. The first time I lost contact with almost half of my friends because I couldn't ride horses, or drink or party like they wanted to. I was excluded from a lot of outings because they thought I wouldn't be interested, fair enough. If I am honest I was never a big party goer or drinker in the first place. I enjoyed spending time on my own and eventually started making friends with mothers and mothers-to-be in my area instead. Serious upgrade if you ask me.
The friends that did remain in my life spent their pass time telling me about how they wanted to have children or didn't want to have children and why. One of them went as far as to say to me "Why would you have a child? You are going to end up not being able to do the things you love etc" or my personal favorite "Bloody breeders" every time we heard a baby cry or a toddler having a tantrum in public. No prizes for the person guessing which side of the "to have or not to have children" fence this friend sat on.
The truth is people (friends or otherwise) can't help themselves. Whether you welcome it or not you are going to hear all sorts of things from your friends and family and it isn't always going to be positive congratulations or general happiness for you. Most of the time it will be, but you will always have that back handed, passive aggressive comment either about your kids or about your pregnancy. And it is going to hurt like hell to hear. Sorry but its the truth.
Whats going to suck even more is that those negative Nancy's won't really care that they are offending you, and will respond with "I'm just being honest", as if that phrase excused the disregard for your feelings or just all round shitty behaviour.
Up until recently I still had friends who did nothing but tell off my son, or make side ways comments about how he won't sit still or him touching things, every time we caught up. Which honestly has just resulted in me not being interested in seeing them. Patience is not everyone's thing and I understand that, but making passive aggressive comments is completely unnecessary and inappropriate.
It is ok to not be ok, which in my head probably makes more sense then it does for you readers. What I mean is, it is ok to tell your friends how you feel or if they are doing something with your child you don't like. It may result in an all out argument, but you are mother and you need to set an example to your children, if you don't want them to one day be a doormat for others, then you cannot be a doormat either. I have lost a couple of friends telling them to stop being horrible to my son, and that it is not their place to tell him off. I now don't speak to these people and I am much better off.
I would like to say that the second time round it is different and that the remaining friends you do have are solid. But it isn't always the case.
I made some lovely Mummy friends when I had my son, only to have lost contact with them when I had my daughter, a lot of the time because they assumed that I would be unwilling or too inconvenienced to go out with both kids.
It is very difficult to have relationships outside of the family unit for sure, but it isn't impossible once you realise which of your friends will stick around through the baby vomit and poo-explosion.
My suggestion: look into your local child friendly activities, like playgroup, gyms with creche, library rhyme times and story time.
These are the best places to meet some new people who have the same priorities as you and will likely appreciate some adult conversation and friends themselves. Most importantly, don't ever let yourself feel guilty for having children because of your friends, you created your own little miracle, be proud.
Forever Yours
Anni