HELP! I can't Bond with My Baby: Am I a bad mother?

Before I say anything, the answer to your question is no! You're not a bad mother.

This is a bit of a touchy subject. Mainly because all the professionals will try and tell you that if you don’t feel a bond instantly with your new baby there is something wrong with you or they try and diagnose you with some mental health issue on top of postnatal depression. Not to mention the stigma surrounded with if you don’t bond with your baby, then child protection will come and take the baby away from you.

Now there is a plethora of websites, psychologist and medical journals on the Internet about the subject. However, when I started doing research into the topic I found that a lot of information available didn’t come from an actual a mother or someone who actually went through this particular issue personally.

It isn’t easy being a new mum, whether it’s your first or tenth baby, bonding can be a challenging thing to do. In amongst your exhaustion from childbirth, postnatal pains and hormones, it can be difficult to feel that special bond with your little bundle of joy. I am here to tell you that it’s totally normal.

Don’t get me wrong, there are Mums out there who see their new baby and feel that bond straight away and that’s great too. Also normal, I am not here to discredit you for feeling that bond.

 I have been through this issue. When I just had Kyran, I followed all the “rules”, I breastfed, I did skin-to-skin contact, all the tricks in the book. However, it still didn’t feel right. I was so exhausted from childbirth my body was aching everywhere, I felt disgusting and all I wanted to do was sleep, except I had this screaming ball of blue that won’t let me sleep. This is going to sound awful, but if I am honest I was a little resentful of my own son. Now, at the time I felt inadequate and depressed because of that resentment, not to mention every single midwife walking in and out of my room asking how I am feeling, how is my mood, blah blah blah, which even though the intentions are good just seemed to make me feel worse. I did what most women do when they have that feeling, lied.

It is normal to have these feelings.  I sought out so many different professionals from psychologists to psychiatrists to child health nurses the list goes on. Everyone came back with the same response. Baby Blues! Great, but how do I manage it. So much information on the baby blues and I suppose I should be thankful that it is even acknowledged as a medical thing that can happen, whereas 70 years ago it was a matter of female psychosis (electric shock therapy anyone?). I didn’t care about the name of the problem. I cared about how to solve the problem. Unfortunately, medications were a big no no for me, and talking about my feelings was the last thing I wanted to do, especially when my social capabilities were limited. I couldn’t talk to my best friend; she (at the time) didn’t understand why I would even procreate, and I was scared of the “well that’s what you get for having kids” response I had heard so many times before from my mother.

Well its safe to say that I am now beyond those emotions and I have a bond with my son that not even Satan would try and mess with (hell hath no fury like a mothers scorn – ok I changed the quote a bit but hey still applies right?). I guess I should tell you how. To put is simply, I did the polar opposite of what my feelings wanted me to do (I am not one that is ruled by emotions and when

emotions come knocking, I escape into science and logic), if my emotions said to put the baby down and walk away, I would stay and hold my son, if my emotions went to I hate my life and resentment towards Kyran my brain went lets take Kyran out for a walk to the park. Now not everyone is capable of thinking like this, and I know first hand how depression can get the better of someone. So I did some research and have found some great ways to bond with baby that take little effort (emotionally and physically) that will make the world of difference.

Your baby is your new best friend

Spend as much time with your baby as humanly possible (obviously she has to sleep sometime to be reasonable, you have to meet her needs too). Lots of skin to skin contact, lay down with her, when your feeding make eye contact – it is all to easy to breastfeed or bottle feed and disengage with your baby. How? Well with modern technology being the way it is, how easy is it to stick a baby on your breast and turn on the television, or play candy crush? Make eye contact with your baby while your feeding, talk to her, you won’t believe how much of a difference it can make. If you can’t live without your phone, turn it off and leave it somewhere you cannot get it. Feeding time is baby time.  

Feeding

I know I covered a bit of this in the last point. Now most places will tell you breast feeding is the best way to bond with your baby. Well that simply isn’t true. You can bond just as well bottle feeding too.

I’ll start with breast feeding – it is a great bonding time with baby as you are getting skin to skin contact as well as providing nourishment for your baby. Look at your baby and learn her facial expressions, watch them observe the world around them and use your spare hand to touch him/her and reassure him/her. This will not only help your bonding issues, but it will develop her trust in you. After all babies need to be able to trust in their mothers and trust is never just given, even with newborns. Always earned

Bottle feeding can be just as effective. Take off your clothes so you can get that skin to skin contact, and spend the time touching, talking and reassuring baby. It is still going to provide the same effect and will even help with dads trying to bond with their new babies (always a bonus in my book).

Pay lots of attention to Baby

Spend time playing and rolling around on the floor. Pay attention to your baby’s facial expressions, maybe there is a game baby likes to play with you, or maybe a song that soothes baby or perks baby up particularly well. Once you know those things about your new baby it makes putting them to sleep or playing with them all the more easier and all the more special for you. Knowing those things will do wonders for your confidence and your ability for your emotional side to give you the “this is my special baby” response we all look for. Knowing those things will also remind you that no one can mother you child better than you (unless you’re some kind of monster junky or something but then I doubt you would be reading a parenting blog if you were).

Routine

Get yourself and your baby into a routine, whether it is bed time or a particular rocking pattern. It doesn’t have to be a tight schedule, it just has to be one thing that you do everyday for baby, a daily event that happens for both yourself and your baby will help ensure that baby feels secure and knows that it is going to happen, it is something that both you and baby can look forward to. I particularly like having a quiet time throughout the day with baby, this where we just lye down in bed together sometimes we fall asleep, sometimes we just look at each other. Like everything, it is just time.

Baby Massages

Not all babies are cuddly and not all of them like to be worn in slings, swaddled etc. Baby massages are a fantastic way to overcome this.

It is touching and finding where baby likes being touched, and how they like to be touched. It can be part of your routine or it can be something you do to bond when your feeling those Mummy blues. Great thing is, Daddy can help too. It is a fantastic way to bond for the whole family. Babies generally like to be touched and talked to, you may even find this will help with bed times and naps.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

 Don’t stress if you’re doing all these things already and still don’t feel it. Keep pushing on with it and keep being persistent. Some mothers won’t feel the bond until baby can look back into their eye, which is about 2 months in. You’re not a bad mother and you’re not a failure. You just did the most amazing thing any human could ever do, in fact I will go one step further and say only you could do…. No one could have made that baby except you. You are a miracle and so is your baby. You just can’t see it yet and that is ok too.

Love yourself and stop being so harsh, after all your kids won’t want to let anyone bully their Mummy, not even Mummy.

Forever yours,

Anni