Co-Sleep or Not: What They Don't Tell You
Salutations.
I realise it has been a while since my last blog post, my partner has just returned home after 6 weeks away working so we have spent the last week enjoying family time. Why am I writing now while Nic is around when we could be enjoying the pool and summer sun? Well I wanted to set the record straight based on both personal and other people's shared experience after a conversation with a friend about co-sleeping and some myths around it.
But first some background. I am a co-sleeper, now before you all jump on the comments section and tell me all about how I am putting my child at risk, let me explain. I am a co-sleeper, this doesn't mean my child sleeps 100% with me in my bed (well at least in my household it doesn't), it doesn't mean that I devalue the research and disregard the risks set out by SIDS Australia (or other relevant bodies if you do not live in The Land of Aus), and it certainly does not mean I am one of those women whose child doesn't have a bed or cot anywhere in the house. What it does mean is that I do what I instinctually feel is best for me and my child at the time.
I remember when Kyran was a newborn. As much as I loved new motherhood, and I loved him. He made me want to rip my hair out when it came to sleeping. Kyran's sleep patterns were pretty good if I am completely honest, so the routine was not the issue, Kyran's sleep was like clock work if you caved and gave him what he needed at the time (I say needed because lets face it, a newborn hasn't really got the whole want vs need thing yet). The issue was that he refused to sleep at all unless it was in his car capsule or on/next to me and his Daddy. That was it.
Much to my postpartum care team's disgust, after about 6 weeks I had to cave. I needed to do whats best for my son, and the whole "leave them to scream it out in the bassinet in your room at only 4 weeks old" thing sat with me like 6 tonne of lead balloons sat on a paper boat *insert crash and burn sounds here*.
I had tried everything available to me, sleep courses (I even stayed at a speciality baby sleep unit for a week trying to "sleep train" my son), singing, swinging, letting him sleep with me until he was out and then moving him. So shock horror after the 6th week of trying these things, I caved. I bought a product online called a "My Little Bed", for those of use who do not know what that is, it is a cocoon type thing that is designed to sit in the bed with Mum and Dad where baby cannot roll out and we cannot roll in or on the baby. Even though all the research and all the blogs tell us that co-sleeping is the devil, along with the postpartum team screaming in our ears in protest. We did it anyway, because to be honest, WE NEEDED SOME F***ING SLEEP!
Lets look at things logically though. Co-sleeping can be dangerous, but so can a mother who leaves the stove on by accident for 3 hours because she is so tired she can't remember her name. As I explained to my midwife at the time, the lesser of 2 evils is still better than the alternative. Which was, in my case, to fall into a heap in the bathroom and never come out for fear of never being able to shut my eyes again.
Before we even bought the My Little Bed, Nic and I spent hours researching, and reading horror stories about mothers who smooshed their children into oblivion, or babies rolling out of beds, even read an extreme so called "research" paper claiming that co-sleeping contributed to autism. What we didn't find was anything remotely supportive for co-sleeping aside from a few blog posts and maybe the odd medical professional stating "If its the only way for you to rest, then do it as safely as possible" well that helped.... Not! Not comforting at all.
Time to pull out my inner scholar and do some real digging.
Now I am not here to tell you that if you don't co-sleep you're a terrible person. I am here to play devil's advocate though. I am going to get real down and dirty about co-sleeping and smash some ridiculous myths and legends about it.
Co-sleeping Causes Autism
Firstly, no co-sleeping does not make your child autistic. Thats like saying I could catch bird flu from flying in a plane. Come on. Utter non-sense. How do I know? Well, lets start with the facts. What is autism? According to Autism Spectrum Australia, it is "a developmental condition that affects the way someone relates to his or her environment and their interaction with people" now this a pretty broad definition and I can see how some (cough moron cough) could misinterpret this definition as being a result of parental choices (apparently like co-sleeping). However, upon further digging, one can also find very strong research suggesting that autism could be largely a hereditary ability (I say ability because I don't believe in the word "disability" I prefer differently abled or even just different, some of the biggest genius' in the word like Einstein were autistic in some form). No where, have I found (we are talking medical journals and actual research done here people - not some half baked google search) any research program, or even enquiry into co-sleeping and the autism spectrum. The truth is, no one really knows the exact cause of Autism it is still a major line of enquiry when it comes to research, development of treatments and learning facilitations for people with Autism.
So whoever decided they were going to put the fear of God into poor desperate mums (who possibly like me have no other way of getting any sleep) was either very poor at research or thought too highly of their own opinion. Either way. I have provided the website to the Autism Spectrum Australia website in my references, which also has a few other helpful links into the Austism Spectrum and even some tips on early detection.
Co-sleeping causes SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrom)
Ok so, no, no and no.
Co-sleeping can mean anything between sleeping on a separate bassinet next to baby's mum, to sleeping in the same bed as mum, along with everything in between. So this statement alone is loaded and unspecific. Which automatically tells you that it was not made by anyone with a scientific backing or actual research or even represents an entity that does have all those things.
There are things however, that can make co-sleeping (as in sharing a bed) more "risky". According to Essential Baby and SIDS Australia, there is 7 main contributing factors to increased suffocation of SIDS whilst co-sleeping. I have listed them below:
Adult smoking.
Care giver (person co-sleeping with baby) under the influence of drugs, alcohol or other sedative substances
Formula Feeding (this doesn't mean you cannot co-sleep and formula feed, it is usually a combination of more than one of these factors)
Baby with a health problem that can prevent normal arousal from sleep
Baby sleeping on stomach (which isn't the best thing to do co-sleeping or otherwise)
Over heated baby
Baby sleeping on surfaces with crevices, gaps and or on pillows
Now these things are mostly common sense things that a mother would consider anyway. So no big surprises on this list. However, a combination of these things will make co-sleeping somewhat dangerous, so you see it's not really co-sleeping itself that causes the issues, which is what a lot of people will try to make you believe.
Back to the myth itself, Video footage collected for co-sleeping research done by the University of Notre Dame and Durham University came back with some fascinating results which sparked further debate into the theory that co-sleeping caused SIDS. Video footage showed that mothers instinctually created a protective space around their babies during sleep. Generally speaking most of the mothers did this by positioning their bodies to cradle baby. Mums generally tend to sleep with their knees up so that the baby cannot slide down the bed, facing the baby with either their arm around baby's head and most of the body or above their head so that she cannot roll onto the baby and Dad cannot roll into the space either. Breast fed babies also have a tendency to snuggle into their mothers breast which also avoids suffocation from the pillows on the bed.
SIDS researcher Professor James Mckenna even goes so far as to state that "co-sleeping with your baby could be life saving as co-sleeping promotes breathing stability in your baby". Actually he even clarifies that there is no scientific research proving that co-sleeping is "bad". Well there you go folks. I have provided the Essential Baby post regarding co-sleeping which will also link you to the SIDS research and guidelines as well as Professor Mckenna's books and research information.
Co-sleeping will make your baby super dependant
Ok.... What?
Babies are babies, the very definition of baby might as well be "small dependant creatures that make lots of noise". They can't walk, talk, feed themselves, bathe themselves, change themselves or provide anything for themselves.
What did you expect? They would come out pre-dressed and ready to take you to the mall? Um, no!
Co-sleeping doesn't make your baby dependant, being a baby makes your baby dependant. No amount of self settling, or bassinet/cot training is going to change that for you. Sorry.
Truth of the matter is, babies don't understand that when you walk away you haven't completely abandoned them to be eaten by a bear. A baby relies only on instincts and have no idea how to handle emotions or even that you being 5 steps away is not so bad. In fact, research suggests that when a child's dependancy needs are met during the early stages of development, it can help them gain confidence, security and the emotional ability to venture forth, explore and socialise later on in life, not to mention baby cuddles are amazing for our mental health too. In short, dependancy = good thing.
Co-sleeping means your child will never get out of your bed
Alright, so I can see how this one can make sense to someone.
The answer is... well it depends. I know how vague can I get right.
My son co-slept for the first 4-6 months of his life and then went straight into his bedroom. How did I do this? Well I started with his day time naps, every nap he would be put down in his cot and he would have his special teddy (Prince Lionheart Slumber bear - I swear to god best invention ever well done Prince Lionheart company). This toy played heart beat sounds, running water and white noise. Now these toys can be quite costly, so if your not in a position to get one and you can part with your phone for an hour or so, I downloaded the baby sleep noise app (its free) and played running water or whatever worked from a table outside his bedroom door.
Eventually, Kyran got the idea that is was safe and sound and he was happy sleeping in his cot, it
only took about 3 days. No fights because I would have almost asleep when I put him down (playing his teddy constantly while settling also helps), and after about 2 weeks we were sleeping at night in his own bed.
Now a days, Kyran very rarely sleeps in my bed. I know I know how rare is rarely - well generally only when he has a fever and I feel the need to keep an eye on him, so its not even his need, its my peace of mind that makes the decision.
Aside from the method I used, there are thousands of ways to introduce the cot and new sleeping arrangements, just have a browse and see what suits you best. Honestly, aside from drugging your child or knocking them out, there is no wrong way.
Last but not least, my personal favourite:
Co-sleeping will ruin your relationship
Well this one is news to me.
I am sorry, I have to admit that after seeing one of these questions pop up in one of the various Mummy groups I am a member of on Facebook, I had to have a little giggle. Don't get me wrong its not at the person, its just I am sitting here 25 weeks pregnant with our second child, and a toddler running around the house and my partner still want to have "adult time" more then I can keep up with.
The reality is having a baby is taxing on every part of your life. In fact as I write this I am reminded of a very funny comedian skit about having children. I will leave the Youtube link below.
Your relationship, doing the groceries, even having showers or 5 seconds to yourself will become a challenge of Olympic proportions, some days are easier than others, but it is challenging. Eventually, you get the hang of it so be patient with yourself (dinners - my slow cooker is my best friend during the early stages of motherhood).
It is important that the lines of communication stay open, and that you become even more self aware. You will be tired and you will be irritable, so you really have to stop and think before you say anything. Are you really mad about the toilet seat being up or are you just so tired that you fell into the toilet?
The truth is, if you relationship isn't healthy and you and your partner are not in sync with each others needs (yes ladies and fellas you have to talk about your emotional and physical needs - she/he wasn't a mind reader before the baby, she/he sure as shit ain't one now), then yeah having a baby may be the tipping point for your relationship in a not so great way. Truth hurts honey.
What about hanky panky then? Well get creative, where is the stone tablet that says sex can only happen in bed? Exactly. Use it as an excuse to be spontaneous, because hell, your not going to be able to be crazy rabbits for a while regardless of where baby sleeps.
Unfortunately that is it for me today. Time to get some dinner in that slow cooker.
Here are the links that I promised you.
Forever Yours
Anni
Autism Australia:
https://www.autismspectrum.org.au/content/what-autism
Safe Co-sleeping Guidelines (SIDS Australia:
http://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/
Professor James McKenna: Advice Against Co-sleeping is too Simplistic:
http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/baby/baby-sleep/advice-against-cosleeping-too-simplistic-says-expert-20140624-3aqih.html
Youtube link to Michael McIntyre: Children
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1cFt2tWsI4