Pregnancy Anxiety

Well this has to be my least favourite topic to write about. Why? Having anxiety is hard enough, but even as I write this, I feel the shadow monster in the back of my mind starting to stir. An ever present darkness in my mind, ready to make anything (even making a sandwich) impossible. Its hard having anxiety, its hard being pregnant, put the two together and we have just a nasty time in general.

Anxiety comes and goes. Don't get me wrong, this is not a post about how awful pregnancy is from start to finish. Pregnancy is amazing, aside from the part where your in a room share in your own body. This is only refers to the anxiety that I suffer (and many others suffer from) in addition to pregnancy.

The biggest anxiety issue I have had during my pregnancies was always the first time I found out that I was going to be a mother (again in this case). I get the usual emotions, excitement and eager to meet my little human. That feeling (no matter how many times you go through it) is never any less special or exciting. Even if you're like me and dread the weight gain and joint pain that comes in just a few months to follow.

From that very first moment you see that second line (or whatever fancy symbols home tests present these days) your freedom and carefree life dissipates. Off to the doctors you go.

Instantly you are being told what you can and can't eat, what you can and can't do, appropriate exercises and that the next 12 weeks will more than likely involve your head glued to the toilet as your body makes the major adjustments required for baking a bun.

Bye bye soft cheese and cold meats, hello fatigue and morning sickness. Still all worth it though, don't get me wrong. But I am not going to sit here and give you the false idea (like about million other blogs that I have read during my first pregnancy) that its not hard, because the reality is it's bloody difficult and its tiring and its going to stay that way until your baby leaves home. However, it all melts away the first moment your little one looks at you. Anyway I digress.

Back to the shadow monster, ready to ruin the moment. Anxiety.

Now I am aware not everyone suffers from anxiety or never had a full blown anxiety attack. So for those people let me paint a picture. Well at least as much of a picture as I can muster with my primarily logical and non-creative brain.

Imagine you are sitting on a train track (why would you do that? well thats part of the anxiety, you don't know). Your quite calm and content where you are trees are green, birds are singing and you are in a happy mood. In the distance you hear a train whistle, but it's a while away, it's carried through the breeze and there's nothing to worry about. All is good. You're watching a lovely bird flutter about the flowers and you are completely taken with the lovely colours of the wings. You don't notice the tracks start to vibrate. The bird flies away and you realise. Time to get up. But now your tied up, tied to tracks. No escape.

Alright, I can work this out. So you take a deep breath and start to think of your options. Tracks are vibrating but you still got time right? Wrong. Now you can hear the whistle much much closer and the tracks are starting to feel like an earthquake underneath you. You start to struggle harder against the ropes that has you tethered to the tracks, meanwhile without your knowledge, something is crawling out of the bushes, something unfriendly. In your mind a blackness is starting to creep out of a box you keep locked. Logic becomes harder. You can barely draw breathe.

Now you can see the train hurtling towards you at speeds beyond imagination. Logic is gone, you're now in survival mode, you are shaking, and its not from the tracks. You start making illogical decisions to try and get out. In your mind that dark shadow has caused your consciousness to retreat to a corner and has started snarling at you. As if that is not enough, the entity in the bushes has reared its head ready to hurt you, now you can't breath.

The train is only a few hundred metres away, panic has taken over and you have nothing left but to just cry and cry out and scream in hopes that someone will help you. Then.... at the very last second, that train veers to the left on a separate train track. You feel the air whip past your face and your in shock, no idea what to do. That entity from the bushes? Nothing more then another person telling you that the train won't hurt you. You look down and find you aren't tied up. The darkness in your mind that had all but strangled the breath out of you, is back in its box as if it never escaped.

That is what anxiety is like. Well at least for me.

Before I continue for those partners out there who have wives, or girlfriends that have anxiety issues, big shout out to you. Your support will be the one thing she relies on during this pregnancy. Even if all you can do during an anxiety attack is be ready for the following rampage and water works. Hang in there. Your girl is still there. She is just trying to make her way through to get back to you.

So how do I cope with my attacks? Especially when my partner is so far away from home. To be honest for a long time, I didn't. I listened (foolishly) to society and (even more stupidly) my mother. Everyone will tell you that "its not that bad", "you just have to find a away to work through it", "stress is bad for the baby" and my personal favourite, "anxiety isn't that big of an issue, it could be worse". Don't listen to any of that crap!

If you have anxiety the best way to deal with it is seek help. Now I know there is still a big stigma around psychologist and mental health in some parts of the world, and if the idea of seeking professional help scares the crap out of you (I know it scared me) phone a friend. Famous last words right? Well no. Everyone should have at least one friend who will be there through thick and thin. I relied on her. It was tricky as we are both currently heavily pregnant. But we managed. During my worse anxiety days, I have Rhi. When I call she is there. Now when I say phone a friend, try to pick one who isn't going to sit there and offer advice or two cents every time you just want to talk. Find someone who can just sit and listen. Even say nothing. Or who is happy to just sit in silence with you. Believe me it makes all the difference.

I always like to have hot bath. Although not always possible this time around with a full-of-beans toddler keeping me on my toes. It sounds cliche, but a bath with some lavender and chamomile is great for washing away the anxiety germs.

Fight back your demons. No that doesn't mean hide them away. It means take ownership of that shit. Hold your head up high and tell them to back down. You are in control and you are stronger then you think (as you will discover when you become Super - Mummy). You may not realise it yet but you are already someone's super hero. Yes that still means you can cry!

Last but not least, my absolute favourite. Sit down and reflect. Work out what triggered your anxiety and write it down. Write down all the emotions that came through when you were triggered (if you can remember them), write down how your going to solve the trigger (if possible), and just sit in quiet and reflect on it. Then take that piece of paper and put in a box or burn it. Finalise it in your subconscious. It happened, you have dealt with it and finished it, and now it is filed away as completed. It sounds stupid I know, but never underestimate the power of the sub conscious mind. Finalise something in your consciousness and your subconscious will take care of the rest.

Next time I write about anxiety will be focusing on the wonderful partners who need some extra help in supporting pregnant ladies.

As always Forever Yours

Anni